Another Marriage Proposal

I am at the suq, the open air marketplace, looking for bargains on fruits and vegetables.  As always, I am with the mother of my Moroccan family.  One of the vendors knows her and her family.  He knows that I am American.  He is delighted to meet me and right away proposes marriage.

We should get married and move to America.  He practices what may be his only English word on me.  Money. Money. He mimics putting a ring on his finger.  Finally, he thinks to ask my companion what my name is.

He is handsome and charming. I laugh and say no, no.  No, no. No.  He throws in an extra potato or two into my bag.  He gives me a small cabbage and a pomegranate. This brief flirtation nets me about 10 pounds of various vegetables at bargain prices.

Later, I am slightly stunned to discover that both the mother and father of my Moroccan family are taking the proposal seriously.  My would-be suitor is known to be a good Muslim man.  Divorced.  Eligible.  A good catch.  Do I want them to invite him over for tea so we can meet?  Their son would act as translator.

When I first came to Morocco, I thought that I would find a husband here. I have found, however, that being an American here is like being a Hollywood celebrity or a millionaire.  People often don't see you, they see a door to a fantastical material world to which they don't otherwise have access.  It is human nature, is it not, to want to better our lives?  There is no fault in it.  But what I want is to be a companion, not a door to another world.

The Pay-As-You-Go Moroccan Wedding





The costs of a Muslim wedding fall to the groom and his family, not to the bride and her family. In Morocco, wedding planning includes food, musicians, waiters...sounds familiar, right?  Once the prices have been negotiated and the money has been paid, it's time to enjoy the event?  Wrong.  All the money spent beforehand seems to have nothing to do with the amount the family is expected to spend while the ceremony is going on.

 

Here is an example: wedding singers accompany the groom, his family, and his gifts to the bride through the streets to the tent where the bride and guests await.  Each of the singers, perhaps 4, 6, or 8 of them, expect 20, 50 or 100 dirham bills will be places into their shirt collars several times along the route.

 

The Moroccan wedding singers are in the foreground.  One of the musicians is seated behind and one of the wedding ladies is the green dress

 

Pay each of the musicans liberally throughout the evening.  And all of the waiters as they bring and remove each course.

 





Don't forget the guys who may herald the approach of the wedding couple, and who will carry the bride and groom on their shoulders while doing a little dance step of their own.  Money in the collars right now, please.  After all, they are holding your child in the air.

 

 

They carry the groom on their shoulders throughout the tent while turning and waving their capes in time to the music

 

 

Pay the wedding ladies, or neggafates, who dress the bride through all of her dress changes and make sure every fold and drape and line on both the bride and the groom is perfect for picture-taking.

 

 

The wedding lady arranges the brides dress just so





Satisfied, she moves to the rear so the bride can be held aloft.

 

Then there's the photographer, the videographer...am I leaving anybody out?

 

You may as well be good-natured about it all.  You can't be stingy.  The denominations are color-coded so everyone can see at a glance how much you're shelling out.

 

Besides, the guests are free to stick money in collars, and they do.  They also compliment each other by giving money the same way to other guests who cut a fine figure on the dance floor. 

 

Relax.  Enjoy.  Dance.  Eat.  Get into as many of the pictures being taken as you can.  Just bring several thousand dhirham with you.  In small bills.

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 



So You Want to Marry a Morrocan

If you are American and you want to marry a Moroccan, it is going to take time, money, and probably a lawyer to help you get through the labyrinth of paperwork. While you're watching your time and your money go bye-bye, you can share information, get support and vent frustrations on VisaJourney. VisaJourney is a site for and by Americans trying to wend their way through immigration regulations for marriage and other family situations.

A Henna Party

Henna parties usually preceed engagements and weddings 

Henna is a traditional decoration for brides-to-be.  Henna parties are often held for engagement parties and weddings. This group of family and friends came to have henna applied early in the day before an engagement party that evening.

The hostess provides a light meal beforehand.  Every woman will be immobile for 2 or 3 hours while the henna is applied and while it dries.

Some women had henna applied around their wrists like bracelets.  Others had henna applied to a single hand.  Most had henna applied to their feet as well.

Glitter applied to the wet henna makes it sparkle. Alas, the glitter comes off when the henna does in a couple of hours. The design beneath will last on the skin for at least a couple of weeks.

The Importance of Blankets

Moroccan homes are stocked with huge numbers of blankets. Until my first winter here, I didn't fully appreciate why that is. I never really thought much about blankets.  I take them out during cold weather, and I put them away when it's warm.  Blankets last for years on end.  I rarely have occasion to buy a new one.  I always kept just enough for family and maybe a couple of guests. Then I came to Marrakech.

Marrakech homes, public buildings, even hospitals may be unheated.  It never snows here. The temperature never goes below freezing, although it gets uncomfortably close.  Understandably, blankets are everywhere.  Got visitors?  Give them blankets and hot tea when they enter your home.  Going to be a patient in the hospital?  Take your own blankets, just to be on the safe side.

Once I was one of a group of female guests in a home, and we were settled for the night side by side on pallet several blankets thick.  We were covered with a couple of individual blankets each, and then the our entire group was covered by the single largest blanket I have ever seen. It measured a good 15 feet across.  We were less likely to be cold than we were to be crushed under the weight of it.

I have seen coarse, heavy blankets substitute for rugs on a cold floor.  I've seen soft, plush blankets folded and stacked as high as the homeowner.  I've seen them stored in closets and beneath sofa cushions. Don't know what to give a bride and groom?  Blankets are probably the most common wedding gift in Morocco. The lowly, utilitarian blanket in America has here an importance borne of necessity.

Two Moroccan Marriage Proposals

Recently I was the recipient of  2 marriage proposals.  One was made jokingly by a 70+ year old grandfather with a wizened face and a twinkle in his eye. He suggested I pay him $4,000 American dollars for the privilege of marrying him and to support his hefty drinking habit (that was part of the joke-he doesn't drink).   In return, he would divorce his equally aged wife (a minor detail). I would get not only him, but also his donkey (bonus points).

There was also a suggestion by another family member that since I have the space, the grandfather could move in with me. The donkey could have my the spare bedrooom.  But I'll skip that part.

The second proposal went like this: if I give him the money I that I would spend anyway on a year's rent, I could marry a construction worker who lives in the countryside.   He earns about 80 dirhams or roughly $10.00 a day.  This little bit of money would allow for a diet of mostly bread and tea.

The first proposal was funny; the second one was just sad.  Both underscore the perception here that all Americans are rich. That perception makes it difficult to ascertain real motives when it comes to marriage proposals.

Women Wedding Guests Prepare Their Clothes

Women do not generally travel in their takshitas.  If possible, they dress at the home of the bride just before the ceremony begins.

The female guests will arrive at your house with suitcases. While one bedroom is devoted to the bride and her 5 or 6 or 7 garment changes, the rest of your home, save the bathroom and kitchen, becomes one giant dressing room. The women get out of their travel clothes to get dressed and prepare for the wedding. Dresses, shoes, scarves, jewelry and make-up all come out of the bags. The women transform themselves and each other into sparkling showcases. Young and old, all of the women who may not even normally wear make-up, get dolled-up for the occasion.

A formal  dress worn to a Moroccan wedding is called a takshita (tak SHEET-ah). The older women are usually covered head-to-toe, but the younger women may wear newer styles of the takshita and appear bare-headed or with short sleeves or with dresses split to show skinny-legged pants underneath. But all of this is still modest by Western standards.  No one wears anything that is cut, as they say, up to here and down to there. But all of them come with strappy sandals and glittery dresses--sequined, shimmery, or embroidered with gold or silver threads.   And of course there is jewelry of gold, silver, pearl and all sorts of sparkling stones.

Once inside the wedding tent when the music starts, out of nowhere come the scarves that the women tie around their hips to better show off the moves of their dances.

The women and closely related male relatives gather inside the tent to sing, to dance, to eat, to view wedding gifts from the groom to the bride and to get photographed with the couple in any of the many bridal outfits worn during the ceremony by the bride and groom. Any non-related men have chairs and tables and are served outside.  Male waiters, photographers and entertainers don't count. Wedding logic. Go figure.

For families that want to have a sunnah wedding with male and female guests entertained separatedly, there are a couple of options. A high-end wedding may have two tents set up for males and females separately, but that typically doesn't happen because of the expense. More commonly, if the family maintains male-female separation, they may have a sunnah wedding in which all of the wedding proceedings take place in a female-only setting.  The men will have a banquet separately.

A Sunnah Wedding

Attendants and musicians are all female at this sunnah wedding.

A young woman was marrying a young man from a strict religious family. The wedding was to be a sunnah wedding, following the separation of men and women. No music. The ceremony was held on the roof of the house, thereby ensuring no univited women or men could can access or view the bride, even momentarily. So I was prepared to have to sit around and listen to all the female family members talk about people and events that I knew nothing about and wasn't going to understand. I was prepared to have to get through an evening of absolute boredom. Have stoic face, will travel.

When I get to the home, some people are women are sitting around talking, some are bustling about, some are in another room changing into their formal wedding finery. When we go up to the roof, I discover nearly the entire roof has been covered over with a huge tent. The sides of the tent are plastered somehow to the 5 ft walls of that surround the rooftop. There are two poles, with lights attached, holding up the tent roof about 20 ft above our heads. The tent provides privacy from the street below and the surrounding roofs, as well as protection from the late afternoon sun. Roughly 80 chairs are set up to face the white and silver sofa-length bride's throne that rests on a white dais. There is a low table and 6 chairs place to the left and between the throne and the rows of chairs.

About 25 feet down on the right from the door to the rooftop, there is a second and third door, each opening to, surprisingly, another room with couches and several women are sitting in there. It is the first time I've seen a room set on rooftop. I can imagine that in the hot summer nights, with the two doors open to allow good airflow, it's nice to sleep up here comfortably on the couches that go around 3 walls of the room. For the wedding,though, this room has another use. Tonight it is the changing room for the bride and all of her outfits.

I am curious about the single table up on the rooftop, and then 6 women come in a sit there. Special family members for some reason? VIP's of some sort? They start pulling out small drums that are held in the hands, somewhat larger and deeper than tambourines. And one is sort of bongo shaped, except it tapers in and out like a waist. (Sorry, I don't know the names for these different kind of drums.)  It was then I realized the music ban is on string and reed instruments, not the traditional drums. They start to sing when they are interrupted by the bride's brothers who are bringing up--what is this--a sound system? They hook up 2 enourmous speakers on 8 ft high stands, and fiddle with the electronics board while they do a sound check with the performers on all 4 microphones. Wow.

For the next four hours, the performer sing nasheed, religious songs about Allah and the Prophet Muhammad. Intersperced with these are wedding songs for the bride. And surprisingly, they all have a beat you can dance to. Another 20 or so chairs are set up for the last arriving guests, then all the chair are moved closer together to make room for the dancing. The guest frequently join in the singing as the songs are well-known to all. Women family members make countless trips up and down the stairs bringing trays of tea, coffee, and small plates of patries/cookies/sweets for each guest.

The bride changes clothes several times.  Her wedding dresses are white, red, green, a gorgeous, deep royal purple, and white again.  The first white dress is a Moroccan takshita with a wide belt, the last dress she appears in is an American-style wedding dress with veil.  She gets henna applied in front of all, and everyone takes photos with her. She has the "boat" on which she is seated, then lifted high by women attendants while guests throw flower petals. Downstairs, we eat in shifts, two dozen at a time at table set up in the living room.  Roast chicken, beef, bread,  a variety of fruit, soda.

The men? The groom? Oh, the bride's family had a luncheon for them earlier in the day.

What a Woman Wears to a Wedding

The women attending the weddings are almost as spectacularly dressed as the bride.

The formal dress for a woman to wear to a wedding in Morocco is called a takshita (tak SHEET ah).  They usually have a 2-color scheme and are worn with a wide belt.

Some young women favor a takshita with skinny leg pants underneath.

This taksita is a shimmering black with silver lace

Takshitas with brocade, velvet, and a brilliant blue

A takshita may also have a plain underdress with an elaborate lace and gold- or silver-trimmed, full-length jacket

A Wedding in Casablanca, Part 2

A groom in a Moroccan wedding

The band played the whole time except for a couple of  breaks when they put on tapes--some of which, surprisingly, included soft jazz.

The groom by the way. had just 3 outfits- a dark pinstripe suit and tie, a off-white thobe, and a pakistani style long shirt and pants. He had a beige pair of Moroccan slippers and and a pair of black dress shoes. He wore the suit twice and beige pakistani outfit twice. So he changed 5 times too.

They also had what I call the wedding ladies who posed them for photos, making sure the dress flowed properly, that their hands were up or down,  whatever made for the best pictures.

There was no clergy or license signing--that was done beforehand. They'd actually been married about 8 months, but waited to have the ceremony until they could afford it. Not unusual in Morocco. The delay dimished none of the joy of the occasion.

There were about 150-200 people there. It was very crowded. The tent was about 20' x 60'. I was told that was a small tent and and the budget was very modest. There was a 4 piece band and 2 male singers. There were 5 or 6 waiters in black shirts and jeans. A photographer. A dvd recorder guy. The two wedding ladies. The bride and groom sat on a small white and silver couch, raised like a throne in the middle of the side wall of the tent--mostly just the two of them, but family came up and sat or stood on either side for pictures. About 500 pictures, easily, A modest budget, indeed.

A Wedding in Casablanca, Part 1

A Moroccan bride carried by attendants

I went to a wedding in Casablanca. The wedding was 5 hrs long, and the bride had 5 dress changes. Welcome to a Moroccan wedding.

In the first phase, the bride is carried on a small silver boat on poles carried by 4 men in white with white capes. Her first outfit is a white dress and veil with zirconium, dangling earings and a belt with a zirconium oval-shaped belt buckle about 6 inches across. Dazzling. Then there was the red dress with matching jewelry, followed by the emerald green one followed by this very heavy red, white and gold horizontal stripped brocade with a headdress that flared out and down from the top of her head like a sphinx. It's a traditonal outfit. Finally there was the white American-style wedding dress. She had her hair restyled and had matching jewelry each time.

Each dress change signalled a different phase of the wedding. First the photo-op in the white dress with family and close friends, then in the red dress came a display of the gifts the groom given were brought by him and his family in huge trays with cone-shaped lids that were removed for viewing. There were clothes, shoes, purses, a box of dates that must have weighed 10 or15 lbs.The groom also brought a floral arrangement about 3' tall.

The gifts were removed for the next change and phase and the green dress, when we were served dinner. They bride and groom ate some at the dinner, but had to leave to change clothes again.

At dinner, each guest had a chance to wash their hands first as the waiters carried water and towels to each table. Then each guest had a small round indiviual loaf or bread. In the center of the table we had a platter with 4 whole roasted chickens. We were supposed to break the bread, and use the bread to tear off the chicken. After that course, we had a huge mound of a fine, short strand spaghetti topped not with sauce, but with finely gound nuts and a small bowl of powdered sugar to sprinkle on the spagetti as we ate. I know that sounds weird, but think of powdered doughnuts--it was delicious.

Next, while the bride wore the spinx-type outfit, it was the groom's turn to be carried in the silver boat. When they carried the groom, he stood in the boat and did his happy dance to the music that lasted about 4 or 5 minutes. It was happy, funny, joyous. Even the guys carrying him were laughing. It was wonderful.

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Last was the American-style dress, a few more pictures, and they were done.